Wednesday, September 24, 2014

I've Always Thought You Were So Beautiful

"I always thought that if you lost weight, you'd be really beautiful."

Said by an acquaintance, to me, on Sunday.

I was kind of amazed and said, "Thank you."

Why did I thank her for making me feel as if it was a compliment?

I think she was meaning for it to be.  After all I had been talking with the ladies about Trim Healthy Mama, and how I was finding it doable.  I guess maybe that, "opened the door" that made her feel she could say something?  Like I don't know that I have been carrying the weight that would equal a small person around with me for 25 years, and if I could just lose it, then….

Then what?  Would I be more loved? More accepted?  More culturally accepted?  More beautiful.

I know that I've always been 'cute.'  I had a curvy figure on a small frame early in my life.  Women always think that if their breasts were larger then all their problems would be solved.  It isn't.  It just draws unwanted attention, from guys in school who think they are so clever and call you Dolly Parton, to complete strangers hollering at you from their cars as you walk down the street.  I hated it.

After I married I got busy and lonely while my husband worked nights and lots of hours.  Small kids to deal with on my own, and a love of Coca Cola.  And chocolate.  And carbs.

My husband has loved me through it all.  But I don't think I've really loved myself.  Not enough.  There was always the feeling of being too much, and yet not enough for people.  

The comment on Sunday brought so much back.  As a cheerleader and Student Council member in high school, some kids thought I was so popular.  I didn't.  That group over there - they are the popular ones.  I'm too short, a bit chunky, too curvy, but never, ever beautiful, or cute enough.  You know the thoughts you have in high school.  

Now here I am facing that kind of thing again.  I'd be beautiful if I just….Why wasn't it enough to just say, "I've always thought you were so beautiful, and I'm glad your happy about your weight loss." Does there always have to be a caveat?  

I wasn't expecting it and feel blindsided.  I am going to have to prepare to hear comments that are meant to encourage but that will just tell me how people saw me all these years.  And by that I mean how they saw my weight and not me.

In spite of my weight I've been a good wife, mother, daughter, friend, leader, tea party giver and event planner fanatic.  I'm happy, I'm fun, I'm serious about things.  I'm tough when it's needed and great in a crisis.

Isn't that good enough?  Or do I need to weigh 100 pounds less for it all to mean something?

I am going to lose the weight I need to, but I am not going to do it for acceptance, or for approval from others.  I'm doing it for me, the me inside this person who weighs too much.  So I can be free to be all that God wants me to be, by His grace.

Will you pray with me as I journey on this path?  I'm going to need it as I sort through the emotions of it all.


10 comments:

  1. I've always thought you were beautiful. And I'm not just saying that, it's the truth. I'm just sorry it took this long for me to tell you.

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  2. Oh yes. I have heard these stupid comments, too. The one that comes back time and again is the you have a pretty face one. Good grief! Carry that to its logical conclusion, which for me always meant, but everything else is ugly. My mom used to tell me that I had a nice figure except for my thick waist. And my grandmother told me, after a weight loss, that I looked pretty good, but was still as broad as a barn. Hurtful, hurtful. And so ridiculous. I mean, I didn't go select myself from a rack at the store. I work with what I was assigned. You, my dear, are beautiful inside and out! Thanks for the conversation.

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  3. It's unbelievable what some people say! It's what's inside that matters! What your "friend" said to you was just wrong! Women in particular are treated differently depending on their size. What does that say about what we think about a persons heart? I'm sorry someone had the nerve to say this, much less think it! You are more than what a scale says! ♥

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  4. While I don't know you personally, I have been following your blog for a few months now. I must say I have not thought about your weight until you mentioned your journey. I can say I've always thought you were beautiful. Period. I so enjoy my visits with you. You have been an encouragement to me.

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  5. I am reading your comments and smiling...and remembering our conversation last night... ♥

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  6. Oh Deanna, I could have written every single solitary word of this post. I understand what you are saying completely and have lived it for the exact same years. For me, I get tired of the "Yo yo" comments. One time, when I had lost weight, a friend (OK, not much of a friend...)who hadn't seen me in a while actually told me on the phone that she had asked another friend if I had kept my weight off. I just sat there gobstruck that she would be so careless with my feelings.

    And the whole time, I felt that she had spoken an unkind truth, and that everyone was just waiting for Debbie to put the weight back on again.

    I can most definitely pray for you because yet again I'm on the same journey.

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  7. "I'm too short, a bit chunky, too curvy, but never, ever beautiful, or cute enough."

    Describes how I feel about myself very well. This post really truly resonated with me.

    Praying for you.

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  8. I am so sorry that happened to you. I will say a big prayer for you on your journey!

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